Has this ever happened to you?
It's a cool fall day in early October and you get home from a tough day at work. You walk through your front door, loosen your tie, grab a six pack and fall onto the couch to drown the extreme hatred you have for your boss in a pathetic sea of drunken laziness. Then after your fourth beer you stand up, look outside and see that your backyard is in drastic need of a good raking. But what are you to do - all you have is that old, regular rake that's sitting in the garage, and you hate that stupid rake. Every time you try raking with that stupid, stupid thing you end up very unhappy because it doesn't help you target leaves, it doesn't keep your hands warm and it isn't digital. Well, all your raking problems are about to end, because the frickin ridiculously awesome people at Digital Innovations Technology Corp Handkerchief (DITCH) have developed yet another innovative thingy...INTRODUCING...
DIGITAL RAKE !!!!!!!*
DIGITAL RAKE is the only all-digital, fully customized, all-digital rake on the market. There isn't a single product on the market (not just the rake market - we're talking about all "markets" in existence ever in the world) that even comes close to the amazing, time-saving, life-saving, hand-warming power of DIGITAL RAKE.
DIGITAL RAKE is the world's first rake designed specifically for the truly digital lifestyle of today's modern yard-owners.
DIGITAL RAKE comes equipped with the following stuff to provide the ultimate in raking functionality and/or luxury?
Digital LCD Screen
Weather Forecast Updates via Voice Updates
Raking Gloves (Required) - $28.97
Night/Heat Vision Raking Goggles - $54.92
Leafblower (15.7 Horsepower) - $246.12
Regular Rake - $5
Port Replicator / Docking Station - $139.84
DIGITAL RAKE comes with the following installed software...
Windows XP - Rake Edition
Rake It! 3.9
Norton Anti-Leaves 10.0.1
Adobe Leafshop Pro
LEAFY - Pro Edition
Dimensions: 62'' H x 20'' W
Weight (without battery pack): 4.32 lbs.
Weight (with battery pack): 29.6 lbs.
Displacement: 127 mL
! Do not use DIGITAL RAKE in the shower
! Do not use DIGITAL RAKE without Raking Gloves
! DIGITAL RAKE is not safe for children under 9 years old, people sensitive to heat and/or digital equipment, people with weak backs or back problems, elephants, and people allergic to lasers, plastic, leaves, gloves, digital LCD screens or kickstands.
! DIGITAL RAKE may reach temperatures over 234 Degrees
! Do not swing DIGITAL RAKE at peoples' faces
Rakey the Mascot Says:
"Gets to Rakin" and
"Remember to be safe when you rake" and also
"Take a break when you rake (to avoid burns to your raking hands)" and
"Don't bake when you rake!" and
"Don't even think about baking when you are raking!" and
"Most of the time I'm happy, but sometimes I just feel lonely." and
"Are you baking? Then DON'T RAKE!" and
"I mean I like Dave Matthews, but I'm not a DMB freak like a lot
of my college buddies."
HERE'S WHAT PEOPLE ARE SAYING ABOUT DIGITAL RAKE...
"I LOVE DIGITAL RAKE! Thank you DITCH for spending so much money on Research & Development! DIGITAL RAKE is an absolute life-saver!" - Emily, Seattle
"DIGITAL RAKE is pretty good! I have barely had any problems with it, and my yard is almost free of leaves!" - Alan, El Paso
"I think DIGITAL RAKE is ok. If I didn't have another rake to use I would just use DIGITAL RAKE. But it could be better in some ways." - Katie, Alaska
"Once you get past the burning, it's not that bad. Well, it is pretty bad I guess, but it's almost worth the painful burning." - Jim, Augusta
"It took me six weeks to read the instruction manual, 4 days just to assemble the rake, then 3 days just to get past the fingerprint security system. Then another 2 days to charge the battery, then I injured my back using DIGITAL RAKE because it's so damn heavy. I don't even know what the Bluetooth is for." - Rick, San Francisco
"I think I have rabies on my arm." - Paul, Montreal
"If they held a competition for the single most useless invention in history, DIGITAL RAKE would blow away the competition. The kickstand is completely useless because when you put it down the whole thing just falls over. I tried using DIGITAL RAKE remotely with by hooking up an external monitor and remote, but nothing happened; it just sat on the ground while blasting out weather forecasts. But the MP3 Player is sweet. I use it when I work out and on the way to work. Not the most convenient MP3 player on the market, but definitely the most fashion-forward." - Mable, Chicago
"Against Rakey the Mascot's warnings, I tried baking while using DIGITAL RAKE. Please do not try this. It was a serious mistake. That's all I'm going to say." - Geraldine, Wichita
"The LCD screen is cool but I'm not sure I need to know how many leaves I've raked up. I also don't know why I had to pay for all the different software applications. I don't think there's even a way to use them. I also wish the Safety Video was offered in English as opposed to Latin." - Billy, Augusta
"I wish there was a way to turn off the heating mechanism. Once you turn it on it just seems to get progressively hotter without limit. I had to throw mine in the pool once it started glowing and burning like lava. Also, if you are prone to electric shock then do not use DIGITAL RAKE." - Alex, Cleveland
"I think Rakey the Mascot is racist." - Lillie, Nashville
"If I had the choice between using DIGITAL RAKE for 30 seconds or listening to the song "Two Princes" by the Spin Doctors on repeat for six weeks straight with no food, I'd take the latter." - Doug, Chicago
"How the hell can you install all the software if there's no disk drive?" - Randy, Melbourne
"Not only did I have to wait over 5 hours to get through to tech support, but when I did they tried to sell me a digital pencil and a liquid bread machine. They didn't help at all and when I asked if my bank account information was being kept secret he changed the subject and asked if I thought the third American Pie movie was better than the first two." - Derek, Antarctica
And that's just a few of our satisfied customers. It's time for you to make a change for the better. Ask yourself if you think yourself can live without a digital rake. Can you live without a digital rake? No you cannot. Here's how to experience the ultimate raking, um, experience.
Simply make 37 easy payments of $134.82 to
Digital Innovations Technology Corp Handkerchief
555 Digital Way
Digitalia, TX 86753-0900
Underwater Carrying Case
"I'd Rather Be Raking" bumper stickers & t-shirt
Rakey the Mascot Commemorative Mug
FingerPrint Security Access Scanner
Yard Protector TM Outdoor Security System
2.4 Hour Tech Support