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We've all been there a million times...You are cleaning up the mess of spaghetti-Os and chocolate milk your kids left on the kitchen table when all of a sudden you turn around and your neighbor's little kid throws an empty sweetened corn can with the jagged edge facing out. With goat-like reflexes you do a back flip, avoiding the jagged metal can but unfortunately you miss your landing (like an idiot) and fall onto the Eiffel Tower your son built out of legos and a hot glue gun. Now the idea of facing a seven hour wait at the hospital with two inches of plastic French history lodged in your back doesn't exactly seem like the joyride that visiting the ER once was. You are in desperate need of surgery, but what are you to do?


The answer is simple. No more commuting to and from the hospital, no more time spent in ugly waiting rooms, and no more hassle of dealing with real "doctors" in person. It's time to turn to is the fastest, easiest way of addressing your surgical needs from the comfort and convenience of your own home.


Here's how it works:


Simply visit (that's e-"dash", don't be fooled by other, more simplistic copycat sites like and ; they may charge less but we're sure you will appreciate the extra added value in's superbly trained, mostly English-speaking Indian customer support staff and the larger font sizes used on our website!).


Once on enter the Customer Registration Process. This should only take 2-4 hours to complete. Once your Customer Registration is complete, we will mail you a secret username and passcode that you will use to log on to (username and passcode are mailed in separate envelopes for privacy. Please allow up to two weeks for delivery). Once you receive your username and passcode you can then log in and customize your very own Emergency Medical Situation homepage with weather updates, stock quotes and golf tips from the guy that played George Papadopoulos on the hit television show "Webster". You can also use this site to submit any medical emergencies you have to our Emergency Customer Support Specialists Team Group.


Once the ECSSTG receives your submission they will send you an email to request verification that you are, in fact, the person that submitted the emergency medical situation. After your identity confirmation is complete we will cross-check your emergency with our patented E-Emergicure 5006 database, which has provides emergency care instructions to over 17*(but not more than 19) medical situations requiring surgery. If your specific case is matched to a solution in our database** we will hand-deliver step-by-step instructions, in Adobe PDF format, directly to your doorstep***. Once delivery is complete you will be charged an Order Fee of $698 plus $342 Shipping and an additional $81 Adobe PDF File Conversion Fee.


Upon receipt of instructions you or your loved ones will be able to effortlessly perform your very own at-home surgery. And for a limited time, will throw in a free Surgery-By-Number stencil kit for an extra $67.77.


Not comfortable performing surgery on yourself? No need to worry. Of the 13% of customers that actually live to provide us feedback, nearly .2474% say they were able to perform their own surgery without any human help at all.


So why wait. Indian programmers earning the equivalent of $1.62 an hour are standing by to take your call and then put you on hold indefinitely.


Isn't it time you sustained an injury requiring immediate surgical attention and use to perform your very own at-home surgery?


Fax us now.


* Solutions provided for emergency medical situations discovered through June, 1987.

** On average, the E-Emergicure 5006 identifies a solution for the majority of cases 17% of the time.

*** does NOT deliver to boats, China, apartments above the first floor or to the following states: AL, OR, NY, DE, GA, MT, FU or R2D2. Oh wait a second, I think we do deliver to DE. Hang on a sec...yep, we do deliver to Delaware. Sorry about that. My bad. What? Look I said I was sorry. I don't know what else to say. Oh really? I'd like to see you try. Whatever. That's what I thought.



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