Sagittarius: You will feel happy and sad and a little bit between happy and sad. Do not exercise on Wednesdays. Focus on pastels and your hearing will remain constant. Do not run from the postman - he brings good news; that is if you consider being audited by the IRS good news. Your numbers for the month are 7 and 7.6942.
Aquarius: This is a time to remain calm. Try not to talk to people. Don't disregard chickens, they may hold hidden meanings. It is also a time to do things: may I suggest base jumping.
Neptune: This is the first of several really, really bad occurrences. You may lose a pet or a limb. Stop whining about it though. Also, there will be plentiful rice in the months ahead. Lucky numbers are 456 and red.
Cancer: You will get pink eye.
Virgo: Seals will sell silk in several cities. They're so silly.
Capricorn: A bountiful month may ensue assuming you take advantage of low, low APR financing. Ditech.com is an excellent place to start when searching for mortgages and car loans. I got a home equity loan there and it was awesome. Seriously check it out. Also you will befriend a person with a severe handicap some day.
Leo: Why do you keep screwing up? Take a break from sucking for awhile, will you? You are in line for a promotion 3 months from now.
Georgia: This is a month of rejuvenation. Unless you're into gardening, then it's not.
Taurus: The time has come for you to take a stand. Someone you know bothers you...a lot. Look to globes for guidance. You may be saying "globes?" Yes, globes, like the kind that you use for geography and stuff.
Libra: Stay away from zoos.