NEUSGUNK'S DEMISE

 

This is the story of Jordan Neusgunk from 4:34 PM and 4:40 PM.

 

4:34 PM

Jordan Neusgunk is sitting on a bench in that one park where all the cats are. He enjoys apples very much, so on this particular afternoon, Jordan is consuming an extremely tasty apple. As Jordan takes his seventh bite from the apple, he says outloud “this is such a delicious apply” and mistakenly says “apply” instead of “apple” because he had pieces of apple in his mouth when he said it. It was a simple mistake that could have happened to anyone; however it would become the worst mistake anyone has ever made ever.

 

4:35 PM

Just as Jordan was saying “this is such a delicious apply” a 62 year old man from Uruguay walked by and was struck in the left eyelid with a significant chunk of apple. It turns out that when Jordan said “apply” a piece of apple launched out of his mouth and hit old Manuel Jose Ricardo Montoya O’Reilly in the left eyelid with such force that it knocked old Manuel over. As Manuel was falling he yelled “Ay carbon what the fuck dude oh snap” as his right elbow smashed into the ground under his 219 lbs of body.

 

4:36 PM

As Manuel was reeling in pain he tried to reach for his eyelid (which was in almost as much pain as his elbow) but realized then that he could not do that because he was laying on his right arm and could not move it. At this point you are probably wondering why he doesn’t just reach for his eyelid with his other arm. The reason is because his left arm was immobilized because his hand was in his pocket and his jeans were so tight that he couldn’t remove his hand from his jeans. This is part of the reason why he fell all the way over- when he was struck in the eyelid with the piece of apple he began to fall and couldn’t get his balance with his arm because it was stuck in his pants. It became apparent to Jordan that he would have to pause from finishing his apple and help Manuel. This thought got Jordan very angry, but he decided to not let it get to him and he jammed the apple into his mouth so he was biting it in a way that freed up both his hands so he could help Manuel. He got up from the bench and walked the 11 feet to where Manuel was lying on the ground in tons of pain.

 

4:37 PM

Jordan walks over to Manuel.

 

4:38 PM

Manuel could not see Jordan coming because his left eye was closed due to the apple wound and he was lying on his right side so Jordan was out of the line of sight of Manuel’s right eye. So when Jordan grabbed Manuel to help him up, Manuel was startled and he jerked to his left – as he jerked left his left hand flew out of his pocket and nailed Jordan in the nuts. When Manuel’s hand nailed Jordan in the nuts he screamed “shit fuck oh my nuts ahh dammit” and as he said that the entire apple flew out of his mouth and shot with great force into Manuel’s right eye. Immediately after launching the apple into Manuel’s eye Jordan had an angry reflex to getting hit so hard in the nuts and he instinctively kicked his leg, thereby kicking Manuel’s left elbow. As a result, Manuel was left virtually immobilized and blind with two painful arms and apple-bruised eyelids.

 

4:39 PM

Despite the fact that Manuel was lying there in so much pain, Jordan was incredibly pissed off that his tasty apple was now lying in the dirt. So Jordan stole $2 from Manuel and walked away to buy another ridiculously amazing apple. What Jordan didn’t realize, is that the man he attacked just happened to be Uruguay’s top martial arts / Olympic speed sprinter. Despite having two virtually broken arms and no sight, Manuel did that thing where you flip your legs up and land on your feet and it was awesome. He then did a 180 and began sprinting in the direction that he thought Jordan was walking. After taking 19 steps he just launched into a jump kick assuming he would land a kick to Jordan’s back. He landed a little short and just fell to the ground. But then he did that leg flip-up thing again and sprinted even harder after Jordan. This time he went for the two-legged jump kick and landed the kick right in the middle of the back of the woman walking next to Jordan. As Manuel and the woman lay on the ground in pain, Jordan walked away laughing and thinking about the dominant apple he would be eating within minutes.

 

4:40 PM

As Jordan was crossing the street he was laughing so hard that he got distracted and was hit by a truck. The truck that hit him was carrying apples- the very apples that Jordan sought to consume. As mounds of apples poured over Jordan, Manuel walked up, took a bite of an apple and spit it in Jordan’s face, which was almost covered by tasty apples. As the last insanely awesome apple landed on Jordan’s face Manuel yelled “Apply that you muther bitch chingada dink face tard”.

 

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